Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
