my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
