I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
