She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
