Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
