i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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