guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
