Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday

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(303): View more from Colorado

im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality

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(425): View more from Washington

He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.

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