I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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