Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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