if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
