My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
