the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
