Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
