I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
