So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
