I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
