is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
