a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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