apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
