i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
They have beer where we have blood.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize