i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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