Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
