i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
