I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
