I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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