I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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