I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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