Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
