I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
