they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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