The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
