you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i used baking grease as lip gloss
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
