meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
