Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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