Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize