Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
this will be a night to untag.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
