i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
