Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
