you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
pop tarts are not kleenex
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
