guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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