you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
