he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
