There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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