you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
