I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize