i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
