I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
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