I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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