Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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