Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
