Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
