youre lurking in front of me
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
