I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize