I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We left an ass print on the piano.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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