I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
