moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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