apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
