It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
