Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
