i wish my penis had a tongue
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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